Forum Inspired
by Anchorgurl1
Summary: The Westerforum has given me many, many, many ideas for crack fiction and pairings! Get ready for everything from Alek and Deryn in a drinking contest to NewkikXJaspert to Klopp being a woman! In this film Sean Connery is playing the role of Capt. Hobbes! XD
1. Scott's and their booze

**Okay so if you've ever been on the Westerforum than you know how crazy and random things are, and how amazing crack fiction could be inspired by the conversation. This first one is about Deryn's drinking which was mentioned in **_**Leviathan, Behemoth**_**, and the bonus Chapter!**

**In this film we see Sean Connery as Captain Hobbes, and several bad puns because of it! **

**Not Scott**

"…and many more!" the crew of the _Leviathan _finished singing their off key version of the "Happy Birthday" to the Captain. The man's age was unknown to the crew but, he was obviously up there. He had grey thinning hair, a bread to match, and he walked with a slight limb.

"Thank you all!" his Scottish voice echoed through the room, and Alek realized that this was his first time hearing the captain. Sure he had spoken to him before but, he was too afraid to actually hear him.

"Tell us your age then!" Richard the random rigger called out.

"That's a secret shaved for an important time, my friends," he held out his arms in a sweeping gestured before saying "Now drink be marry!" Captain Hobbes had the way of speaking and the look that made it seem that he could have been a film star. Perhaps he could have been casted as a stalker form of man- left alone by all the deaths in his family, and a famous author in hiding. Who in the end helps out an inner city basketball scholarship child with his writing? Maybe he could have, for some reason, casted as a Spaniard man and been co-starring with a Polish man who was casted as a Scottish man. Hell in his younger years he could have played an international super spy! Now that would have been amazing!

"Oye ya' sodding Clanker quite drifting off into space and come drink with the rest of us!" Dylan called.

"Coming he responded"- "wait that wasn't supposed to be in parentheses" Alek wondered what strange phenomenon was occurring as he walked over to his lovely lady-boy friend. What was her name again- oh yeah- Deryn.

"Here drink this!" Derylan handed Alek a strange amber liquid he had only ever seen the bosons and on occasions long ago in a land far, far away his father drink.

"Don't listen to him laddie, Sharp here can out drink most of the crew!" this comment by Billy the random Boson sent a loud laugh through the crew.

"I can out drink a woman!" Alek though. Then he rebelliously downed the drink- when the glass was empty he felt light headed.

"Oh lads looks like someone's challenging Sharp to a drink of!" Newkirk the random-erm- Kirk announced as he made his way to the front of the crowd that has surrounded the two.

"Alek we don't have to do this is you don't want to," she said quietly to him.

"Ha! I bet I can out drink a damerwinist- a Darwinist!" did he really just call Deryn a dame.

"Bring it prince boy!" she responded with spite. The drinking contest rules were explained by Miles the random Middie- all the two had to do was drink as many shot glasses full of Scotch as possible the winner was the one still standing in the end. An hour or so later the two were surrounded by empty glasses and they were both a wobbly mess, however Alek was far more unsteady. His vision was beyond blurred but, he kept pour the liquor down his throat until his vision was completely black. Blinded he continued to wobble, and then he toppled on the grown and passed out.

The Next Morning …

"G'moring your princeliness, it's time to get up!" Shouted Deryn at top volume

"Shhh! Will you be quite- how do you not feel like this?" Alek hissed

"Oh," Deryn chuckled "You've gotten your first hangover!" she beamed "All thanks to me!"

"Gee thanks!" Alek said sarcastically before asking "Do they go away over time? Does your body become more adapt to the alcohol?"

"No, each type of people has their own set adaptations. Scott's can drink as much booze as they want and have little to no hangover, and Austrian can stand really cold whether I think…ask Corp. Shaw or Marasco I'm sure they'll know a lot more about that me." she responded

"Who?" he asked bewildered

"Oh, right they haven't been introduced into the story yet…" she trailed off "But some advice for when you do meet Shaw: Don't piss 'er off- Tobias sat on her at the Cruses wedding and he's only okay because, of his looks." she answered his second question. Wait what?

"Wait what? What "story" and who are the Cruses?"

"They haven't even come in yet? Barking Spiders how far back are we?" Now it was Deryn's turn to be confused- no wait Alek was confused just as well!

**I don't know- I just don't know! This was originally going to be something short about Alek and Deryn getting drunk but, it turned into whatever this is….**

**Corp. Shaw and Marasco from Darwinist Fist by Starif5! I recommend the story it's pretty beast!**


	2. The Adventures of Midshipwoman

The adventures of Midshipwoman and MonkeyLuddit Man verses her archenemies Evil F!

Up in the sky it's a flechette bats, it's a germen airplane, no it's midshipwoman! As Midshipwoman flies under the gondola of the _Leviathan _calculates her battle strategy and catches the attention of Aleksander Ferdinand of Hohenburg. Making her way up topside she slowly flies over to Evil F, and just when he least suspects it she sends him to the squishy membrane with a right swing to the back!

BAM!

"Ah, Midshipwoman you're just in time to watch your friends' demise!" the evil doer point to a horrendous scene. Prince Aleksander Ferdinand of Hohenburg and her faithful (clumsy) assistant MonkeyLuddit man are wrapped in a bright red cloth and a surrounded by flechette bats!

"Midshipwoman help us with your super boobs!" MonkeyLuddit man calls. Glancing down at her chest she noticed how it had grown since back in Glasgow!

EYE ROLL

"Barking Spiders! Don't worry MonkeyLuddit boy I'm coming!" she replied

"Boy? Man! MONKEYLUDDIT MAN!" he shouted

"Whatever," she replied

"Mwahahaha! You can settle this petty argument soon enough…. in Hades!" Evil F screamed as he got back to his feet "Say goodbye to your prince and MonkeyLuddit boy!"

"Man! MonkeyLuddit MAN!" MonkeyLuddit Man (boy) called from his entrapment

"In the name of Barking Spiders I will save them and defeat you Evil F if it's the last thing I do!" she promised

"Hmmm don't be so sure sweetheart!" he quipped.

BAM

Midshipwoman socked him again

SLAP

Then she slapped him harder than any slap ever given to a weird man before

"OW!" he complained

WHINE

"Now to finish you off Evil F!" Midshipwoman announced before kicking him off the side of the ship.

BUT KICK

"Curse you Midshipwoman I'll get you next time!" Evil shouted as he lost altitude

FALL

'_Now to untie these two _Dummkopfs' she thought. Midshipwoman flew over two the two dudes in distress and untied them in the nick of time!

"Wow! Midshipwoman thank you how can I ever repay you?" the young prince asked once he was free.

"Nothing! Alek-er random citizen! Now I must be gone!" Turning off and Flying under the _Leviathan's _gondola Midshipwoman was gone from sight.

X~X~X

Deryn flew to the far side of the ship and flew into the small port she left open in the bathrooms. Quickly changing out of her light blue top that had black a MW on it, matching blue Minnie skirt that was so short her bum nearly fell out of it, black tights, and pinching high heel boots she was happy. Don't get me wrong Deryn love flying around and saving people(especially when Alek swoons over Midshipwoman) but the outfit was so barking uncomfortable, and now she was keeping up two alliances!

Once she was dressed as Dylan Sharp again she quickly ran to the mess where all the men were talk talking about the insanely hot Midshipwoman and her super boobs.

"What do you think of her Alek?" Deryn asked in her Dylan voice as she took the empty seat next to him.

"Well," a large smile took his face before he continued "I think she's amazing- and she obviously has a crush on me!"

"What have you gone mad?" Newkirk asked

"Listen she always saves me first, even before that useless side kick if hers!" Alek said

"That sidekick of hers is no sidekick! They're partners in crime fighting!" Newkirk said defensively

"Dude does that kid even have powers?" asked Richard the random rigger

"Whatever! I personally like Evil F," Fitzroy said appearing out of nowhere

"You would Mr. Fitzroy he cocky, annoying, and a pest just like you!" Deryn said

"Oye Sharp what have I told you about minding your betters?" he said

"Listen let's all agree to disagree!" Alek budded in.

"Fine!" Deryn and Fitzroy huffed in unison

"Just like Midshipwoman!" called Richard. If only they knew!

**Okay this is based off Monkey butler's idea on the Westerforum/ Bloodbath thread!**

**Evil F= Fitzroy**

**Midshipwoman= Deryn Sharp (P.S Yes she wears a Minnie skirt to fight crime deal with it!)**

**MonkeyLuddit Man/Boy= Newkirk**

**Nott Scott!**


	3. Rated M! Darwinist not Lemon! But Still!

**First off Whale Toilet!**

**Second off….my first BXG 'Darwinist' type story!**

**Third off yes I'm still giggling over the whale toilet (a.k.a another term for ocean)**

**Fourth off: DALEK(Deryn/Alek/Dylan)**

**Fifth off more drunken goodness :D**

**Sixth off this should technically be in the M section but A) It's not really a Lemon it's just…Darwinist B) I was too damn lazy to put it in M so YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

Alek was soundly asleep. That is until a certain Darwinist Middie woke him up by loudly pounding on his door. After he rolled out of his cot and began to pick of his trousers Dylan began to knock again- only shouting this time.

"Oye Alek open up! I've got an idear I think you'll like but, no pants this!" The boy was obviously drunker than General Grant post battle. Alek could hear his slurs and could tell when his swaying form hit the door. Wondering why on Earth Dylan would want him to go pantless but, granting his drunken friends wish Alek opened his door.

As soon as the door opened Dylan crashed into Alek with such force that the two boys stumbled back and landed on Alek's bed. It was a very unique situation to be in- laying on your back half naked your best friend on top…it sent a rush sensation to Alek crotch. It was hot, hungry, and confusing and this being the single most embarrassing thing to have ever happened to him (considering _it_ was caused by his best _male_ friend) Dylan(said male best friend) noticed. With a dark look in his eyes and a smirk Dylan leaned down to Alek's ear and whispered

"Figured you'd enjoy it," the Darwinist raised his head up and kissed Alek. The kiss deepened and a lick on Alek's lips told him that this was going farther that it should ever go…but still it felt so right.

"WAIT!" Dylan stopped himself. Alek sighed in relief- he knew he couldn't stop himself. When Dylan got off of him Alek imminently missed his smell and heat. His eyes stayed glued to the Darwinist as he staggered about the room in an attempt to take off his pants. Wait What? Once he was in only boxers from the waist down he climbed back on a very confused Alek.

"Now," Dylan straddled Alek "You get to take off my shirt!"

"O-okay" Alek's trembling hands quickly went to undo Dylan's uniform top. Once he's completed that he threw it across the room. As he watched it drop he noted, with excitement, that this was the first time he would see Dylan's chest…this was probably the first time anyone would see his chest on the _Leviathan_! Just before he turned his head Alek saw a long beige bandage went through the dark room like a flag in the wind. Shrugging it off Alek turned his attention back to Dylan's chest. He literally jerked when he saw his-_ her _boobs!

"Gods Wounds!" Alek shouted

"Aye I know they aren't that big but…" Deryn trailed off

'I can't do this!' Alek thought. She's drunk it's like taking advantage of her, and what is it May? What was that Dr. Barlow said about mating season…maybe Dylan going through that and her hormones have taken control.

"Name's Deryn by the way," the _Deryn _kissed him again. He knew he should be mad or angry about being lied to but, when a beautiful girls is kissing and straddling you…You can't really be mad can you?

And so they continued farther and farther, hotter and hotter.

**Yay! There might be a part two! Was that good? bad? IF YOU HAD AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE SEXUALITY THAN IT'S YOUR FAULT I BARKING WARNED YOU!**


	4. Slashes new album prt 1!

**I have another drabble for you t****hanks to the amazing monkey butler!**! This is going to be at least 3 parts! And this is the second idea Monkey Butler has given me so thank you(and yes there is a third idea that shall be out post this one!)

**M/M and M/M two couples!**

The _Minotaur _was just like any other airship it had gastric channels, a lumpy membrane, and a weight limit. The latter of the three was the very reason I am leaving the _Minotaur. _It wasn't fair that I, a coxswain, losing my place in the sky my home away from home to a bunch of barely Middy level new recruits.

"Well at least you're going to the _Leviathan_ isn't that where your cousin Dylan is serving?" My friend Oliver tried his hand at comforting me. Wait did I say that last bit out loud?

"Ye-" I didn't get to continue for I was cut off by one of the new middies

"Wait _Dylan _as in _the Dylan Sharp _famous airman who saved a revolution using only spices and single handedly saved the _Dauntless _from attack?" great another kid who looked to my little sister as their hero. It's not that I'm jealous of her fame, mind you; it's just that it gets a little tiring hearing about how brilliant my cousin "Dylan" is. She would still be at home in corsets if it weren't for me!

"No another person who just happens to have the same name and be serving on the same ship as that one!" I shot back irritated. The kid, whatever his name was, seemed to pick up on Jaspert's sour mood so he vanished not too long after that. Oliver shot me a look once we got back to their cabin door. As soon as we got in they prepared for bed.

Sighing I got under the covers- tonight was my last night aboard the _Minotaur_.

I woke up promptly at 0600 hours the next morning so that I had plenty of time to pack and say good bye to the men with whom I've work side by side with for the last three years. As he made his way toward the docks he got several handshakes, 'Good luck sons', and a hug from Oliver. I would miss Ollie most of all for reasons I couldn't quite place…maybe it was because we have been best friend's for the last three years…My head spun as I walked up to his new life- the _Leviathan_.

By noon I had been shown the _Leviathan's_main hallways, the mess, some short cuts, my room, but I had yet to meet his roommate. I did learn from the Austrian bloke, Alex or something like that, my roommate was about 17 and his name was Newkirk, or maybe it was Newark it was hard to tell from his accent. Sighing I collapsed on my bed and shut my eyes _peace at last_- or so I thought.

"Oye Jassy ya' lazy bum-rag get up!" A familiar voice called- Deryn.

"Der-ylan," I called before making sure the ghost was clear and hugging her. "How are you? How have you been?" I began to ask.

"Fine and no one's discovered my secret if that's what you mean- now come on you've got bat duty with your new roommate!"

"Why do you say it like that, and why are you giving me that look?" I asked- Deryn was known well in our family for leaving out information to prank someone.

"Well…the lad's a barking Monkey Luddite to boot!" she said with a grin…great just what I need!

Deryn wasn't lying when she said Mr. Newkirk was a monkey luddite! Every time one of the flechette bats would flap too close to him he would scream like a banshee- by this point I had yet to decide if it was extremely annoying or extremely funny. As Newkirk speed up his distribution I followed suit for, I wanted a chance to talk to him. If we were going to be in the same room for god knows how long them we might as well be on friendly terms. The longer we worked, the more we matched each other's speed, and the more chances we got to talk. By the time the bats were nice and stuffed I had found out a lot about Mr. Newkirk's back story: He was born and raised in Bath, England, he was fatherless as well, that being said he was raised by his monkey luddite ma, and she, being raised in the Church of England faith herself, made she her son was. I was a wee bit worried that he was going to turn out to be one of those religious nuts but, decided to give him a chance I mean he had to be in the air service on reason or another.

We walked down to the mess for dinner in a comfortable silence, but he began to talk to me again while we waited for our food.

"So you're Dylan's cousin?" he asked _Crap _I thought_ another kid who wants to talk about my little sister._

"Yeah why," I shot back rather angrily

"N-no reason it's just that you two look more like siblings than cousins…" he responded _Crap _I thought _ I shouldn't have been so harsh he was only trying to be friendly_ .

"We get that a lot," I began trying to cover up my snap earlier "he's lucky he got similar looks to me." I joked hoping he wouldn't roll his eyes like Deryn always did.

"I'm sure he'd word it a little differently." He joked back. We both laughed as we sat down at the only two empty seats together. We weren't too far away but, I doubt anyone could hear us or talk to us without moving or straining.

"So…" I started after I noticed Newkirk starring at me.

"Wha- oh sorry mate!" He apologized while turning a deep shade of red. Now that I got a good look at him he I noticed how much he looks like Oliver. Only Newkirk has a smaller nose, some freckles, and light brown hair as opposed to Ollie's jet black hair.

"I-it's fine I…." I trailed off as I continued to look at him, and he returned my gaze. We lock eyes for a few moments before we both blushed and looked away. I shook my head in an attempt to make the fuzziness go away. I used to do this with Oliver too: stare at him without really knowing it but he never looked at me he always rambled on about some stupid girl back home…

_Are all friendships like this or is there just something wrong with me? _I wondered as me and Mr. Newkirk walk in silence to our cabin. This time is was an awkward silence not a comfortable one like our journey to the mess. On the way back he grabbed my hand- I held the rest of the way back.

**Aww! I'm sorry if it's choppy but writting the whole:**

**hey I just met you**

**and this is crazy**

**but you're cute**

**tonsil hokey maybe**

**Isn't my fortae- I'm better at the whole one character being in love with there best friend thing so part two will better(hopefully)**

**Nott Scott!**


	5. Slashed new album prt 2!

**Part two! And whether you ship them or not…these two make an amazing couple…Don't Judge Me!(P.S. Big thanks to Monkey Butler for the prompt!)**

They were working on the engines like they did every day, their shoulders rubbed up against each other like they did from time to time, and Bauer was trying his damnedest to ignore the lightning that danced up and down his arm when they did. God it was hard being in love with not only a very close co worker but your roommate and very good friend. On the bright side he was now able to admit how he felt to himself, and accept was he was. At first Bauer just shrugged it off giving excuses the usually fell along the lines of Hoffman being the first person he was ever close to; the position was not hard to fill seeing as how Bauer had no family to speak. He never blamed them, his parents, for giving him up- too many mouths to feed-not that Bauer would want a family anyway. No, not at all- Bauer had heard of several instances were a who preferred the company of other men, similar to Bauer, would come clean and tell their family only to be ostracized by the people who supposedly loved them.

Another reason Bauer never truly trusted, or loved, anyone. People will say they love you and love is meant to be unconditional but, as soon as they find out what or who you really are they shun you completely. That being said Bauer has never told the other Austrians he works with on this Godless creation, and keeping something so heavy from the closest thing one can call friends or even a family is saddening to say the least. But it's not as if he were the only one keeping such secrets from family and friends on the _Leviathan._ YesHans Bauer knew all about young Mr. Sharp and Mr. Newkirk. It had been almost a month since Dylan's cousin Jaspert joined the Darwinist crew and ever since he and Newkirk had been growing closer and closer. Hans knew they were "involved" by the way they looked at, talked to or about, and regarded on another; he had even seen them hold hands once! He had never said anything to either of them of course- least they figure him out.

Bauer's shift was over and his highness would be taking over; this would give Bauer an hour alone in his shared cabin room before Hoffman's shift was over. Some time to clear his and prepare to talk to Hoffman with rambling and blushing, because no matter how much he wished Hoffman was nothing like him. Hoffman wasn't a sinner. This was what Bauer had convinced himself so, you can imagine his surprise to the events that happened just after he left his post.

Hans turned from his work to go to the storage closet where all the mechanical supplies were held, and expected to be returned post shift. Usually the windows inside offered plenty of light but, seeing how it was ten past eighteen hundred hours the only light was Hans received was from the setting sun. He wished he'd requested to barrow Mr. Newkirk's glow worm whistle before he 'went to the bathroom' (a.k.a went to see his boyfriend). Even in the almost utter darkness Hans could tell Hoffman was in there with him without hearing the other man's footsteps.

_Hoffman's sent alone is like an alert of his presence _Hans Bauer thought.

Just as Bauer sent his wrench down he felt a hand on his shoulder, and no sooner than that was he turned around by the man he loved and his lips crashed into Bauer's own. Stunned beyond moving from over happiness and shock it took a minute or so before he began to kiss back.

Hans Bauer learned a few things that day:

Hoffman was _very_ much like him

Hoffman more than returned his feelings

When waiting for your love to return from their shift…an hour can seem like an eternity and

Moustaches tickle your upper lip when you kiss someone with on XD

**Did you expect this couple? Who'd you expext?**


	6. What Stud I mean Spud!

**This is pure forum inspired crack! Shirley was made by...(I don't remember tell me who please!)**

**This is also for DALEK week's bonus theme 'potato'!  
**

**Not Scott- if I was this would be a lot longer!  
**

As he walked into the mess he could sense something…off. He went to the line for food- his favorite thing- and saw the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on! His palms began to sweat as he moved forward in line, and he could feel himself shaking. He noticed her name- Shirley! Oh what a beautiful name for a beautiful thing! Alas before he could even get close to her Mr. Sharp had stolen her…

"No!" Newkirk thought "Shirley is MINE!" Ditching his tray where he stood he made a run at the two, and before Mr. Sharp would even react Newkirk had gotten Shirely in his hands and made a run for the door.

"Oye ye barking ninny give it back!" He heard sharp call, but he didn't care because: Shirley was his! Once he took her back to his cabin he confessed his feelings.

"I love you!" Newkirk stated. She didn't answer and how could she? SHE WAS A BLASTED POTATO! Potato


	7. A contridictory ship(HoffmanXBauer)

**(A/N:) A vote was taken on the Westerforum and this was the result…In all honesty y'all can blame CPG(ChickwiththePurpleGuitar) for this one…this really sucky and rushed one…I'll get better again sooon…once I start writing again…welp ALLONSY! Also! Tazza love!**

Wildcount Volger strode through the halls of the _Leviathan, _he up, chin pointed, and shoulders broad. He was on a mission…of the _romantic _sorts. One could smirk at the thought….if I could smirk…

I walked a bit faster, my leash pulling the Wildcount to a faster pace (despite the fact he was the one walking me) hoping to advance our journey faster. "Godspeed!" I barked as I ran into the engine room, Volger in a hasty tow. Once there the man tied my leash to a bit of railing and went to talk to one of his comrades (unfortunately it was not _her_). Once he held a pleasant conversation with the not-so young man he shouted a command at me

"Stay!" before heading to her station across the pod. I stuck my tongue out of his mouth in excitement and even allowed my tail to wag as they began to converse. Her giggles emitted over to my now perked ears and I knew what was coming next: they would sniff rears then mate to produce suitable off-spring.

"What are you doing?" I barked

"Shut up you mutt!" he spat then went back to…placing his lips on hers…what on Earth was he doing? Humans had strange rituals but…my Mistress Barlow had never shown any of these affection…

"Honestly," she giggled and swatted his hand away "stop Alek will see us."

"And if he does?" he asked dropping his cool demeanor slightly

"Well…" she rolled her eyes "you'll have to explain it to him."

"In due time leibe-" he went closer back for another dreaded mouth touch just as the young Prince in question walked in.

"Volger! Good God man!" Prince Aleksander shielded his princely eyes "Heaven above what unholy activities have come about you? You with another man, and you…you…" he pointed a figure at the young woman.

"Are not a man!" she admitted defiantly in her lighter voice.(she usually used a deep one in others' presence)

"but…but I-" he asked baffled "how?"

"My name is Emilia Hoffman and your father enlisted me to watch over you."

"but you've seen me change!"

"I had brothers." She shrugged

"Young master I think it's best you return to your cabin, I shall escort you." Volger cut in. He gave the girl a quick wink before grabbing my leash and the young boy.

"K-kissing…girl…dating….ew!" he babbled incoherently until we finally reached his cabin.

"Come along Tazza," he said to me. "We've got more parts of the ship to explore."

**AAAAND SCENE! Greatest ending ever right? Anyway…so what'd you think? Should I continue?*cough* REVIW*cough***


End file.
